Doubt can be useful, but I find it extremely burdensome in most cases. God gave us a brain, and put us in a world that is supposed to 'make sense.' When things look, taste, sound, smell, and feel a certain way, we are divinely programed to trust those senses, but more and more, 'the world' continues to ask us, the populous, "Are you going to believe me, or your lying eyes?"
With a stroke of divine intervention, Rory Bridges was able to chaperon my doctor appointment yesterday in Baton Rouge. Rory is a former player of mine from my first years of coaching Madsonville Football. He has since graduated high school and continues his education at SLU. Us 'adults' are supposed to be the 'teachers' of the world, but I find I learn more from the "Rory's" of the world. The naivety is refreshing. Not at all an insult, the young mind is much less scoured by the sins of man. The barrage of power and financial aspirations compromise the human spirit, and the young adults and adolescents motivate from a different set of criteria. I admire and relate to that 'alternative' way of thinking.
Adults mostly piss me off because of our pompous attitudes and purposive 'omniscient' fronts. We too often discount thoughts that we either don't understand, or have preconceived notions about. We don't allow our thought to go 'outside the box.' When we don't allow ourselves to engage to challenging thought, we inhibit everything we think we know, every person, and ourselves. There are too many examples to discuss, I digress, back to the subject at hand.
Some say that if you tell someone a lie long enough, they will eventually believe it. I think there is more truth to this statement than we are willing to admit. The root of my doubt regarding my health is based on this principle. Not that I think people are intentionally lying to me, but because they lack the effort or skill set to find the truth, I am told vague generalities to pacify my 'need to know.' When I persist, I can feel my physicians angst.
There in lye's the doubt. I see the angst in my doctor, and I interpret it as frustration in my stupidity, or inability to understand what he is trying to convey. The only problem with this is . . . I am very bright. Due to extremely supportive and encouraging parents, I know better. Don't get me wrong, Einstein's theory of relativity is safe from my mental prowess, but I am satisfied that I can discuss my health coherently with a physician.
When doctors analyze the data and cannot find the oddity in the data, they are largely unable to take a step back and 'size up' the situation, or look "outside the box." A computer program can spit out an oddity, but the synthesizing of information, or multiple data sets, is still best accomplished by the human brain. The best doctors are 99% older because they have the art of synthesizing, and have the experience to include years of oddities and data sets. Yesterday, I definitely felt the angst, but I prepared myself by studying and consciously removing doubt.
Having Rory join me was totally unplanned, and occurred by happen-stance. Within ten minutes of making initial contact, I all of a sudden, had someone to ride with me to my appointment. The company allowed me to review my understanding of my injury/s by explaining them to Rory. From the specifics of the individual injuries, to the history and time line in which I sustained my various injuries. I was even able to review the surgeries, rehabilitation techniques, and substance abuse associated with my injuries. This comprehensive review took the entire time we drove to Baton Rouge, and included the hour and a half wait that led up to the doctor finally seeing me.
The doctor entered by asking my areas of pain, including my lower back and my legs. I pointed the specific areas, but informed that it was under relative control due to the meds prescribed by my pain management doctor. At no time did he review our last appointment. He performed some simple nerve/muscle response assessments that I am familiar with because of chronic 'stingers' at Vanderbilt. The nerve/muscle assessments were essentially the same, expect performed on my lower extremities rather than my upper extremities.
In my mind, the assessments are elementary and very preliminary in distinguishing trauma. I use these very assessment techniques with my little league players when they complain of neck/back pain. Usually, after initial trauma, the sensitivity is very prevalent, then subsides once the irritating nerve/muscle has time to rest. Although it is a very good tool for initial diagnosis, I found that the assessment gave misrepresentations of my 'actual' status if used after the initial trauma. Once the nerve/muscle had time to simmer down, the strength returns to that area even though you may still have damage. Since my initial trauma happened on August 29, 2007, I felt that this assessment was a little overdue, and pretty much useless.
After his thorough three to five minutes of professional neurological assessment, Dr. Waguespack proceeded to tell me that I had no clinical or symptomatic consistencies that can point to any specific injury area or injury. In my rebuttal, I indicated my symptomatic pain areas once again, then asked (knowing the answer) if those areas were indicative of trauma in the area located in the L4-L5-s1 area of my back. He agreed. I then asked if there was evidence of surgery and various abnormalities spelled out in the reports that I had brought, and in reports that he had already ordered and/or obtained? He agreed that was accurate. I then asked if those were specific or general?
His response was indirect, in that he began to discredit the testing methods used, and the pictures it produced. I uncoorperatively asked if those were the methods (X-Ray, CT Scan of entire spine) of assessment that he asked me to complete? He agreed they were, then refrained from discrediting my pain management doctor, but did attack everything associated with the pain management doctor's audacity in attempting to 'cloud' my pain.
Midway through my appointment, obviously taken aback by my insistent questioning of the status of my spine, all three of us were sitting silently, with Dr. Waguespack uncomfortably looking at Rory, his chart, the ground, and then repeating the cycle. The silence finally broke with a statement and question by the doctor: "I can't operate on something that I don't know for certain is repairable. Even if there is a known injury/condition, surgery is only viable in certain situations. "
At this point, confused, I looked at Rory as if I had not been present for some of our meeting thus far, then quickly turned back to Dr. Waguespack and told him that surgery isn't a topic of discussion. I further informed him that at no point during our consultations since my re-injury have I had intentions of surgery, nor has it been discussed. I am in search of the culprit that is hurting me in my back and legs. Further frustrated, Dr. Waguespack in despair asked "What do you want me to do?"
After a short gathering of my thoughts, I responded in short like this:
"What I would like to happen is for you to look at me and say, 'This was a fully functional tax paying contributing member of society, now he is only able to leave his home in 2-3 hour spurts, and only 3, maybe 4 days a week. Why is that? What is wrong with him? How can I help this man find out what is wrong with him?'Instead, I am pawned off to other doctors, pain management clinics, orthopedic doctors, or with excuses. You complain of the tests that you ordered as if its my fault and complain that I have sought relief from the ever-present pain because it 'messes up' your assessment in some way. I want you to help me find out why my back hurts to the level that I have not worked since mid-September, that is what I want!"I peered over at Rory because I could feel the warmth from my face, and slight pressure from the veins in my neck, and Rory was shaking his head in agreement, but also lowered his head from obvious embarrassment, but from who. I quickly tried to assess whether I had overstepped the boundaries, and when I looked back at Dr. Waguespack, I could tell that at least one light bulb went on in his head.
I followed up by inquiring about the fracture in my lower back, between L5-s1. Again, clueless, he was not familiar with the aberration that I spoke of. On my last appointment, I informed him that a 2nd opinion doctor had forwarded pictures that showed the anomaly in my back, but that it might have been 'congenital' or 'born with.' When I inquired Dr. Waguespack originally, he said that he would have to compare before and after pictures to see if the fracture happened when I passed out in August.
We discussed it briefly, and now that he had allowed himself to be more helpful, he agreed to go study the before and after film that he had on record to see if he agreed with the assessment of the other doctor I got an opinion from. Upon his return, and agreed that the anomaly was vaguely present, but that there was no 'acute damage.' When I inquired, he informed that 'acute damage' would have distinct characteristics that would tell him that the break had happened recently.
He spoke in a more helpful tone toward the end of our appointment, and I reiterated my desire to make progress, no matter how small. I asked what we had to do to put 'one foot in front of the other.' He finally offered a group of doctors that he works with that can perform various spinal assessments to help pin-point "what the hell is going on" in my back.
Having Rory there was invaluable because I was able to confirm what I have been experiencing in some degree, since 2002. I asked Rory questions, and he gave me objective perspective to the situation. This experience has helped me. I've been made to feel like I was fabricating my pain for so long, that I was beginning to believe it in weird ways. I am not one that is known for lying, mostly because it makes me feel like crap. So, when I feel like I am misrepresenting my injury, even if I am not, I slip asunder into depression and guilt.
Three things have hopefully been accomplished in this exercise. One, I move forward in finding a solution to my current medical status. Two, I put the medical profession in its correct context; essentially taking what I need from the profession, but recognizing their shortcomings. Additionally, attempt to surround myself with individuals that can assist me in filling the unaccounted gaps that the medical profession has left. And finally, succeeded in giving a detailed account to those who love and care about my welfare without having to verbally tell this soup opera hundreds of times.
I am humbled by every one's continued support and love. I get aggravated that I go through these bouts, and I can only imagine the aggravation it causes when every time you all start to be able to count on me, . . . . you can't. This is a major obstacle, and it has caused a great deal of humbleness and an inspection of what is truly important in my life. Fretting the little things at this point would prove to be worthless, I am mostly motivated by my decision to carry out God's will, in which ever capacity he deems worthy. I also aspire to fight. They will bury me before I quite. I thank my dad for his example and the peppered will he has displayed my whole life. His hard head is the blessed fortitude that allows me to fight forward. When my dad gets knocked down, you better get out the way, because he is getting up stronger than before. Not understanding his calm demeanor in the midst of storms growing up, or his quite confidence when all looks doomed, I thank him. I hope to honor him through my struggles by attempting to show the same resolve and stubborn perseverance he has taught me through his action.
The reason for me stating what might be the obvious, is due to concerns I received from some of you. I loved hearing from all of you that wrote or called, but I sensed that I 'spooked' some of you. Again, I am grateful for the calls and emails, but I do not wish to cause undo stress for my family and friends worrying about whether I am about to go mental or something. As most of you know, you don't have to 'read between the lines,' because I already put it in there. Simply said, know that my posts are hopefully accurate depictions of my life, and I will do my earnest to fill 'between the lines' so you don't have to fret 'reading' between them.
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