Marriage has to be the biggest challenge in my life. Not because of something I want outside of my marriage, but because of the things I long for within my existing marriage. Love is subjective, and my greatest fears in regard to love have materialized in my marriage.
I have always been extremely cautious with my heart. For what ever reason, I have had a hard time letting people, especially females, close to me. Not implying that I had shortages of relationships, but shortages in meaningful relationships. I have always been afraid of rejection, I suppose like everyone else, and I insulated myself by keeping my girlfriends at arms length so that if they chose to terminate the relationship, my heart would be protected (since I hadn't fully vested it in the relationship).
Naivety is a blissful trait in some cases, and believing that I had control over "Love" is the epitome of my naivety. Love knows no boundaries, so to pretend that I could sustain the 'arms length' rule to protect my heart was futile. Just is the case in my marriage. I am glad that love breaks down the artificial walls that I constructed, but at the same time, the vulnerabilities that were the inspiration of there creation, become completely exposed.
So what happens if you fall in love, marry, bear children and attempt to sustain a marriage with someone who has not fallen in love with you? Wow, how hard was that to write? To acknowledge that this scenario is an actual possibility is very hard to digest, yet its the very scenario that I find myself in.
I knew I wanted to marry my wife within weeks of our relationship. She knew my fondness of her because I could not disguise my feelings. She even teased me early on, by confidently making jokes of my unsaid matrimonial desires. I had a conversation with God just before I started dating her. That conversation detailed my 'ideal' candidate for a bride, and within months, God delivered her to me.
There was no question to me of whether I would wed my wife, it was rather the question of when she would agree to be my bride. My love for her was instantaneous and unconditional. She dictated to me how things were going to be, and I went along because I knew she was going to be in my life forever. Although my list of faults is to long to list, she had no faults that we couldn't work out together.
In the blindness of love, I chose to only look through my eyes. Skewed with emotion, I consciously, or subconsciously, chose to ignore whether or not my wife shared the same unconditional love that I have for her. Fatal mistake. In hind site, I think it is clear that she did not share the same love for me, as I had in her. Ouch, that hurts to say, but the signs are watermarked all over the duration of our relationship.
In the immortal words of Forest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that."
I have always been extremely cautious with my heart. For what ever reason, I have had a hard time letting people, especially females, close to me. Not implying that I had shortages of relationships, but shortages in meaningful relationships. I have always been afraid of rejection, I suppose like everyone else, and I insulated myself by keeping my girlfriends at arms length so that if they chose to terminate the relationship, my heart would be protected (since I hadn't fully vested it in the relationship).
Naivety is a blissful trait in some cases, and believing that I had control over "Love" is the epitome of my naivety. Love knows no boundaries, so to pretend that I could sustain the 'arms length' rule to protect my heart was futile. Just is the case in my marriage. I am glad that love breaks down the artificial walls that I constructed, but at the same time, the vulnerabilities that were the inspiration of there creation, become completely exposed.
So what happens if you fall in love, marry, bear children and attempt to sustain a marriage with someone who has not fallen in love with you? Wow, how hard was that to write? To acknowledge that this scenario is an actual possibility is very hard to digest, yet its the very scenario that I find myself in.
I knew I wanted to marry my wife within weeks of our relationship. She knew my fondness of her because I could not disguise my feelings. She even teased me early on, by confidently making jokes of my unsaid matrimonial desires. I had a conversation with God just before I started dating her. That conversation detailed my 'ideal' candidate for a bride, and within months, God delivered her to me.
There was no question to me of whether I would wed my wife, it was rather the question of when she would agree to be my bride. My love for her was instantaneous and unconditional. She dictated to me how things were going to be, and I went along because I knew she was going to be in my life forever. Although my list of faults is to long to list, she had no faults that we couldn't work out together.
In the blindness of love, I chose to only look through my eyes. Skewed with emotion, I consciously, or subconsciously, chose to ignore whether or not my wife shared the same unconditional love that I have for her. Fatal mistake. In hind site, I think it is clear that she did not share the same love for me, as I had in her. Ouch, that hurts to say, but the signs are watermarked all over the duration of our relationship.
In the immortal words of Forest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that."
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